As anyone who even casually follows celebrity crime knows, there can be a Grand Canyon-sized disparity between the sentence a star receives and the actual time served. Perennial court-attender and 'Herbie Fully Loaded' actress Lindsay Lohan was recently sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating her probation in a DUI case. Rob Shuter already discussed Lohan's plan to avoid prison, but if she does actually serve part of her sentence, she's going to need help. Put down the 'Just My Luck' Blu-Ray and watch 'The Wire,' Lindsay. Prison ain't easy. The parallels between Lohan and Lil Wayne, who is currently serving a one-year sentence for felony gun possession, may not be immediately apparent, but here are a few tips the actress can learn from the superstar rapper.
Record a Song Behind Bars -- One day after Drake released 'Light Up,' his collaboration with Jay-Z, the rapper's team had Wayne record a new verse from his current home at Riker's Island. While the verse was middling in both audio and lyrical quality, it was still light years ahead of previous rappers' attempts to keep their careers going from behind bars. Lohan is no stranger to music; her 2004 debut album, 'Speak,' and its follow-up, 2005's 'A Little More Personal,' cumulatively sold over 1.5 million albums. Surely, prison will give her new lyrical inspiration to augment future classics like 'Confessions of a Broken Heart' and 'Bossy.'
Smuggle Contraband to Listen to The Classics -- In May, Weezy was caught was with an unauthorized MP3 player and headphones smuggled in the cell of a fellow inmate. In certain jails, prisoners are allowed to purchase radio and MP3 players with headphones, but only those that have been approved and sanctioned by the jail. You have to assume, though, that there's at least one guard whose daughter is a 'Freaky Friday' fanatic that's going to bend the rules a bit so Lohan can study 'Paris' a few more times for inspiration.
Get Diesel -- In April, popular hip-hop site Rap Radar posted an interview with rapper/Cash Money CEO Bryan "Birdman" Williams from DJ Scoob Doo's 'Godfather' DVD, in which the emcee discussed Wayne's (presumably exaggerated) workout schedule: 15,000 sit-ups and 20,000 push-ups a week. If Lohan were to miraculously serve her entire sentence, that's 180,000 sit-ups and 240,000 push-ups -- AKA enough to take care of even the burliest of post-prison paparazzi.
Charge Guards to Watch Her -- A female former guard at Riker's Island was fired earlier this year for allegedly entering the men's ward for a quick peek at Lil Wayne. While the guard contends she was there to see a colleague, it didn't stop the Department of Corrections from showing her the cell, er, door. Regardless of whether the guard was an overambitious fan or victim of a cover-up, this should inspire Lohan to make the easiest cash possible in prison: charge guards to enter the female ward to watch her.
Receive Celebrity Visitors -- When Fat Joe and Diddy made separate visits to the rapper in prison, music mags and sites everywhere salivated at the thought of secret discussions and the sharing of info and advice. In the pop culture world, nothing is more interesting to celebrity tabloid fans than when one tabloid regular visits another in prison. I have visions of a delusional Paris Hilton telling Lohan, "It's not so bad. They bring in a wardrobe for you to pick from, your meals are cooked by executive chefs and 8PM every night is champagne time."
Get a Cushy Job -- Anyone who has followed Wayne's career knows that the rapper is a workaholic, frequently entering his mobile studio at all hours of the night to record more verses. At Riker's, Wayne is a Suicide Prevention Aide, socializing with troubled and at-risk inmates for 50 cents an hour. Lohan should consider taking up employment pronto. May we suggest teaching acting classes to young inmates? You think 'I Know Who Killed Me' earned a whopping 8% on Rotten Tomatoes because of Julia Ormond?
Write to Your Fans -- While Twittering from jail is still verboten, the rapper recently launched Weezythanxyou.com, a new website where the rapper, through letters written to his record label, can thank his fans, discuss sports and chronicle his everyday life. The site also features a countdown of Wayne's expected release date (113 days and counting). Lindsay needs to jack this idea pronto. With all the constant chatter about her, why not have one spot where she can shun the hyper-stylized, glossed-up rhetoric of publicists, lawyers and agents and actually write what prison is like and how she feels? At this point, humanization may be the quickest route to salvation. Either that, or someone just smuggle 'Da Drought 3' into her cell.
